N is for Nurturer

Recently, my friend Nadia and I were chatting about life, and the place where we currently find ourselves. The two of us (and her hubby) have been friends for over 30 years; since we were teenagers. In our journey through that time, we have had and shared similar experiences. In our twenties, we travelled through Europe together, making memories which still make us exchange that knowing smile today, comfortable in the fact that nobody will ever need to know or would ever understand.

Each of us went on to marry, and each of us stood beside the other on that special day as a maid of honour. We have each had three children; for two of them we were pregnant at the same time. We each had a boy as our first born, followed by two girls. We have shared every birthday and important milestone since.

As best friends, we have been there for one another through every stage; to support one another, to guide, to listen, to share. When our kids were babies we had a standard phone call at 9.30 every morning. We talked for hours while we attended to the household chores and raising kids; thank goodness for cordless phones! What did we talk about? Parenting, memories of the past, our frustrations and fears, and how to survive; one day at a time.

As time went on, the kids went off to school, the phone calls became less frequent, we each went back to work …. but the quality of our friendship has never altered, to the point that our kids actually believe we are related.

Now here we are; our kids are either adults or fast approaching adulthood. We are still very busy, but now ‘busy’ looks different to how it used to look. If I think I am busy now, I must have forgotten how I used to literally run, drive, co-ordinate logistics, and multitask, all of the time; often forgetting to pause to take a breath. As a result, I was often short-tempered and impatient, purely because the task list was so overwhelming. Looking back now, I’m not quite sure how everything got done… and let’s take a quick moment to send a big shout out to my neighbours for pretending they couldn’t hear me yelling.

In comparing notes, we discovered that we have arrived at a very interesting point in our lives. Although we are still needed by our children; that will never change, how they need us has altered quite substantially.

What were very loud and buzzing households, have now become very quiet and somewhat lonely as the kids confine themselves to their bedroom, the company of their devices; if they are even home at all. Their friends taking precedence over all else. There is a constant stream of gatherings, parties, sleepovers and kids coming and going, to the point that I struggle to remember which friend belongs to which kid. As a result, I find I am spending a lot of time in my own company, reflecting. I am fortunate that I have my work and my pastimes to keep me occupied. If I didn’t, I think I would struggle somewhat.

Before you know it, you suddenly you find yourself becoming a little irrelevant; your kids making you feel as though you are not as smart or ‘with it’ as you had previously imagined. This is eye-opening to say the least. I struggle to find the balance between providing the right amount of discipline to remind them of their place in the world, whilst trying to keep the lines of communication as open as possible. I am also conscious of the fact that these kids also have a right to make their own memories and will have their own unique stories to tell when they are our age.

As women, we are born to be nurturers and we spend a lot of time looking after others and perhaps not enough time looking after ourselves. This current stage of my life is quite an interesting time as I battle with relinquishing control over the kids (because let’s face it, they become much more difficult to control) and trying to re-establish my own identity, quite apart from being a mother.

Nadia was telling me the other day, how despite never being interesting in gardening, she has developed a need to start looking after things. She was inspired to do so when she discovered that one of her orchid plants had flowered despite having received no affection or attention. Almost as if it had defied all odds, she felt compelled to start tending to the plant in an attempt to keep the flower alive.

By nature, my dear friend is a nurturer. She may not see it, but I can see very clearly how it is in her DNA to need to look after people. For as long as I can remember, she has wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother, and she is an awesome one at that. I have idolised her and I have been very fortunate to have her as an exceptional role model and mentor. I can just see her now, reading this, and smiling, thinking it is not true…. but let me tell you my friend: it certainly is!

As a woman, I think it is important to be aware of what is happening at this particular point. Being aware allows you to accept that it is all part of life moving along as it should. As with any other stage in life, it takes a little adjustment and the development of some strategies to help you deal with it.

It is important to understand that quite apart from being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, each of us is an individual, with our own mind, thoughts, attitudes, like and dislikes. It’s easy to get caught up in having to be a nurturer for everyone else, but there is someone very important in this whole equation that is in need of more nurturing than anyone else; that person is YOU.

Perhaps this is the time to become a little selfish; time to rediscover who you are as an individual; remembering who you were before you took on all of those other roles. Another of my beautiful childhood friends, Paula, sums it up beautifully when she says: we all have a purpose, sometimes we forget what that is as we busily go through life. It is important to find your purpose, and that purpose looks different on everyone.

Rediscover your purpose and when you do, move towards fulfilling it with the most passion and positivity you can muster. It is easy to feel that you are losing your identity as your kids grow and life moves on. However, that it is only a small part of who you actually are… it is not being lost; it is changing and making way for other wonderful things that will fulfil you as you enter into the next phase.

I am extremely grateful to continue to share my life with some exceptional people; old friends, new friends, reacquainted friends, family… each one with an important part to play in my life, and hopefully I can equally inject some value into theirs.